Thursday, June 30, 2005

"Being an asshole is what makes my life worth living."
Gary Carson

Today is the first ever (poker author and infamous RGP crank) Gary Carson Day.

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Its time for the first ever installment of classic Carson RGP quotes.
It's probably much more funny if you've visited RGP over the years, but there are still some wonderful witticisms.

Carson's response to seeing a compilation of his quotes:

"There's a couple of those that I don't remember writing. But, I used to drink a lot."

Random pictures below.

Speeling never corrected.

--- Carson regarding Alan Schoonmaker ---

Y'all need to forgive Alan, he lives in Texas, a state with no state income tax, and he doesn't really understand how taxation works.

His book would have made a nice magazine article -- maybe a long one in 3 parts.
And, he's bald.

This isn't about intellectual property. It's about Alan searching for a way to restore his sense of manhood since his hair fell out.

I suggest you take this to an attorney. Or to the hair club for men.

You can measure your dick with a ruler? No wonder you can't get a date.

I'm waiting for his "So you wanna be a psychologist" series.

Some guys, when they get a little older, they start losing their hair and exhibit other signs of aging. When that happens, they'll do whatever it takes to get it hard again, even writing a book.

--- Carson on his relationships ---

>>>> I'm not kidding - you owe me another highlighter!

Back when I was living with the school teacher she'd bring home all
kinds of stuff and I had plenty of highlighters. But, since she threw
me out I can't help you with that.

Sure I've been broke. Hell, I'm broke right now. But, it's a woman
thing -- nothing to do with poker.

I'd prefer to be getting laid, but with my age, the diabetes, side
effects of the zoloft, bad teeth, lack of style in clothing, and cheap
car that just isn't happening so much anymore.

>>>> Nothing lasts forever. She left and Gary's back in the trailer park again.

Uncanny. Do we know each other? But, you got the part about her
leaving wrong. It was her house, she threw me out

Men who are vegetarians are just doing it as a way to get laid. At
least that's been my experience in being a vegetarian. I used to own
an escort agency and I couldn't get laid.

I wish my clothes would get thrown in the road. They usually burn
them in the tront yard.

In a 1488 game this afternoon, someone said they never win when they
raise with AK so they don't raise with it. I said, everytime I sleep
with a woman she ends up dumping me but I still sleep with women.

>>>>> I heard that you guys are going to get coloured (or should I say
>>>>> colored) bills soon too.

Somethings gotta happen soon to improve my sex life.

>>>> Nor do they have to induce anybody to come.

When I was very young is would sometimes be spontanious, but I pretty
much have to be induced to come nowdays.

Not according to my last girlfreind, the one who gave away all her
money to PETA.

But, that wasn't my live changing event. Mine was when my 6th grade
teacher (who drove a black 1957 chevy convertible) sat on her desk and
crossed her legs.

When you get a little older you realize that getting lucky is a good
thing, it's not something to fret about.

>>>> guys im going to foxwoods in a week. wife is coming along
>>>> who does not gamble. any thoughts as to something she
>>>> can do while im grinding it out at the 3\6 tables?

Sure, glad to help, what time do you want me to meet her?

>>>> Bring that special ed teacher back. There is more work to do.....

She's still back in Austin. Replaced me with a couple more cats.

>>>> However, I did have a possible solution. Find a working spouse.

And make sure she has a car. And that either her kids are grown or
her ex-husband has them.

--- Nobody could ever accuse Carson of blatent hero worship ---

>>>> I honestly believe that you are totally insane and that it's
>>>> pointless to communicate with you rationally.

So, since you're not comfortable communicating rationally you'll just
do so irrationally?

Losing 10's of thousands in a poker game and having no memory of it
the next day becaue you'd too drunk isn't a sign of a problem with
alchohol. After all, it was only beer.

>>>> I think I do. He's younger, more intelligent, more successful,
>>>> better looking, gets more respect

I'm not younger than Danny.

He welched on a bet and I'm still pissed off about it.

I can't help myself. Danny is such an idiot, and it's so much fun to
punch holes in his little bubbles.

Now I have time to devote to ensuring that Caro doesn't rewrite

Danny is very thin skinned, and he's a drunk. Annie, like most
adults, considers him pretty much a joke. Danny can't cope with
people who don't give him the respect he wants. Hence his drunken,
abusive rampage.

That's why Phil can't beat ring games. The only way he can get the
village idiots to play with him is if they draw his table in a

In live games there is always another hand. In tournaments there is
always another tournament. Unless you are Phil Hellmuth and can't
face tomorrow if someone else has more bracelets than you

I'll bet you got that silly idea out of one of those Kreiger books.

>>>>Slim didn't make the final table, he'd have looked super classy.

A rattlesnake hatband, that's classy.

Look, Danny is a drunk. Jennifer Harmon thinks he's cute when he's
drunk. Annie thinks he's obnoxious. Since he knows he's irresitably
cute, he knows Annie is a terrible judge of character. Otherwise
she'd think he was a cute drunk. His judgment, however, is perfect,
so he can play that drek "creatively". Since her judgement is so
poor, she's just being a fish when she tries to be "creative".

I don't recall Howard having been bashed at all on rgp. There's lots
of other high profile poker players who haven't been bashed here. Some
of the ones who've been bashed are bashed by drunks who happen to also
be high profile players

>>>> of said the things I did. As for me being a drunk? LOL, that's just
>>>> laughable. I probably drink on average about two days a week, and
>>>> when I do it's only beer and wine. I rarely if ever drink hard
>>>> alcohol.

You're right. That is funny. I've never heard a drunk use that
rationalization before

>>>> Question...WHY does a player who is tied for the all-time lead
>>>> in WSOP bracelets won, get himself staked by anybody else...?!

Because the advance check on his book bounced and his wife's medical
malpractice insurance went up?

They don't count. Negreana isn't an American, he's Canadian. And,
Hellmuth is from Wisconsin or Minn. or something like that, he's
almost a Canadian.

The current issue of CP has photo's of most of the event winners
wearing their bracelet. Of course Phil's picture shows him waving it
around rather than wearing it.

And, don't call me a liar. You might piss me off.

I dont' beleive anything you say, but I do think you're funny.

I thought you promised you'd stop talking to me?

I dont' see any reason to pay any attention to Malmuth at all if
you're not gonna make personal attacks?

I'm pretty sure Malmuth isn't even human, so that wouldn't count.

Russ's poker ideas are generally good. The problem is that his verbal
skills are barely better than Malmuth's.

what planet is this guy from? Is he related to Malmuth?

>>>> What's Lou K's poker background? I was considering buying one of his
>>>> books but I'd like to know the depth of his poker experience.
>>>> Thx

I'm pretty sure he's accredited by the Caro Institute of Poker for the
Western States. Not sure what name he uses on the diploma though.

Sklansky will talk to you even if you don't buy one of his books.

Next we'll get into the computation of standard deviation. Lou screws
that up too

Mark is the head of the satanic cult that killed Laci Perterson.

I heard he got into a poker game with willie nelson, pissed away all
his money on drugs, now he's being staked by Tom McEvoy.

--- Carson and Paul Phillips ---

What do civilized people think about spitting in someone's face?

In Paul's case, many players would think what he did was okay when
it's him and his good looking girlfriend. If it would have been me
(his homeless looking buddy) he was talking too those same players
might have objected.

If you don't know the difference between reading a book at the table
and seeking another's advise about how to play then you're beyond
help, spitting in someones face wouldn't even help.

How about somebody who's afraid to go to a Las Vegas cardroom becuase
a wealthy Walther Mitty imposter threatened to spit in his face?
Would that count?

--- Carson and his fellow RGPers ---

>>>> I have spoken with the parties behind FabulousPoker and can
>>>> absolutely assure you 100% that Russ " the dipshit thief" Boyd
>>>> has nothing to do with them.

You know this because you talked to somebody?

Well, at least we know now that you're at least as smart as an east
Texas peckerwood.

>>>> it is Winning 7-Card Stud: Transforming Home Game Chumps Into
>>>> Casino Killers.

I thought Tad just stalked her. I didn't know he actually killed her.

Of course. I had a brain hit and forgot this guy is so stupid that he
actually used his own phone. Whenever I'm stalking someone I use a
stolen cell phone.

I thought Tad only stalked poker dealers.

Razzo is a troll. Unless he's posting about popular poker, then he's
a shill. Unless he's posting about the Iraqi poker game, then he's
the floorman I would never say anything that might offend him.

Also, do you actually know Razzo? What does it take to convince you
that someone is stupid?

Eric is in Mississippi. The phone in Biloxi is at Fayad's gas
station. Fayad's aunt is the 911 operator and after she send her boy
down to fetch Eric for the phone call she hung around the store and
was able to record the call.

I think it means that Linda is one of those violent man haters who
snips of the end of the mail response.

but linda is so easy to pick on, because she's a girl.

>>>> I challenge Mr. Carson to toss some coins with me.

Yawn. How about if I challange you to a reading comprehension match?

No, Vince, I was talking about the yahoo that's using yahoo. How's
that VW bus boing btw? Austin still has some hippie chicks who think
fat bald-headed guys with ponytails and VW buses are sexy, so be sure
and drive thru on your trip.

Frank is a 19 year old bisexual swedish girl interested in
corresponding with an overweight, middle-aged American man.

That's right. You dont' want the player to make mistakes that can be
exploited by others, only mistakes that can be exploited by you.
We should make that a rule.

--- Carson and penis's (peni?) ---

Caro's roulette system is a waste of time only if you're a humorless prick.

>>>> I am not a humorless prick

Yes, you are.

You really are a humorless prick. I'm not pissing on your leg, it's
really raining.

And, I'm not equating them at all. I think a president strutting
around in military uniform is much, much worse than a president
getting a blowjob in the oval office.

One of the instructors in the training class for Texas correctional
officers used to tell the students that you could tell the gay inmates
because they were the ones with big dicks.

Back when Danny N. was challanging me to a duel (before he found out
how big my dick really is)

We compare dick sizes here. IQ comparisons are done at

Maybe I should have just put my dick on the table. That would have
impressed them.

>>>> Why don't we compare penis sizes while we're at it.

Well, I would, but I'm sorry, you just don't make my dick hard.

>>>> Clinton got a BJ from a CHICKEN too ;~))

It's legal in Arkansas.

>>>> It's absolutely amazing that your book sold even one copy.

If you'd read my chapter on blow jobs you'd understand.

--- Carson about himself ---

I guess it's a character flaw. I don't like to leave until I have all
the money.

I mean he's a proven failure in judging people, he doen'st like me.
And, I'm the nicest guy I know.

I was reading the paper this morning and the Gulfport police ran a
prostitution sting with a bunch of female cops trying to solicit
customers on the beach, just down the street from me. A bunch of
arrests. Luckily for me I'm broke so had to turn them down when they
approached me.

My biggest career mistake in the Navy was telling our XO that I could
come back and see him when he got thru sucking LBJ's dick. I'm not
sure how many of today's sailor would make that kind of career

Well, I do have a close, personal relationship with god. That's why
I'm so lucky at poker.


I don't have any. But, then again I don't need any. I think it's
good that WSOP bracelets go to those who need them for a sense of self

>>>>Throwing stones are we ?
>>>>Better sell that glass house :)

No glass in my trailer house. Plastic windows.

You got that out of my book? Cool. How do you do that? I didn't even
know I knew how.

>>>> He is often abrasive, but it's said that "those people in the top 2% of
>>>> intelligence have a hard time getting along with the other 98%." :

I'd probably have to take 4 or 5 mensa tests before I passed one. So,
most of the time I'm in that 98%

>>>> When i first found RGP there was this obnoxiousy biterr man named
>>>> gary Carson who would be amongst the rudest, nastiest individuals
>>>> in all of usenet.

I do my best.

gary carson can't play for shit

I've been homeless and it wasn't by choice.

>>>> Gary - don't you find it interesting that he still wants poker
>>>> lessons, even after admitting to owning your book? :D
>>>> I wonder if he's read it - or perhaps he's just using it as a booster
>>>> seat.

To use it effectively as a booster seat you need to buy two copies

Actually, I"ve been working (shudder), trying to get a book manuscript
finished. I discovered that it saves time when I spell stuff right
the frirst time, so that temporary work ethic has spilled over into my
posts. I'll get finished with the manuscript soon, and that crap will

>>>> And how come your spelling is so much better now? What the
>>>> hell is going on?

I've been drinking more.

I probably often come across as an asshole on this forum. And, I
probably am an asshole. But, when I'm in a cardroom I'm a really nice

You're right. You should be dubious. I shouldn't have shot from the
hip so quickly. It's a personal issue with me though -- one I
struggle with every day.

If there's one thing I learned from my Daddy it's that if you never
pawn your gun you'll never go broke.

>>>> When I find my book, can I mail it to you and get your autograph?

It's okay with me, but you need to realize that I'm not very
dependable. I don't recommend it.
My address is 500 Broad, Box 11, Gulfport, MS, 39501

I had some family connection with the Czech mafia in Temple, but I'm
not sure that they have wide influence in the area.

I slept good that night, knowing that wherever I was in the house
there would be a weapon handy.

I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm fat. I'm poor. But, I'm well educated
And, I don't work. I'm not bald though. You got a problem with that?

Uh. When you started posting here you were self-promoting in the
hopes of getting hired by a cardroom as a consultant on cheating (and
in the hopes of collecting on some attempts at extortion). More
recently you started selling a book. You havn't written it yet, and
nobody has bought a copy yet, but you're selling it.
Have I ever mentioned that I wrote a book that some of y'all mjight
find interesting?

It's always worked when I did it. But, also all those times I was in
a really bad mood and would have really enjoyed bashing somebodies
fucking head in with a brick.

I know how to spell well. There are other words I have trouble
spelling, but I got that one nailed.

I'm pretty sure they have sentences and paragraphs in the german
written word. I never learned the language, but my mother's german
so I'll check with her about that.

Some woman poker player was saying something about me to her
girlfreind last night. She ponted me out at the table and described
me as that old poker player with the big belly.

Being an asshole is what makes my life worth living.


you might want to try www.twoplustwo.com. I don't post there.

I couldn't bet it, so I gave my Aunt $2 to make a bet for me. She
didn't want me to be disappointed by losing my first bet, so she
bought a show ticket. The horse won. It's been 40 years, I still
havn't spoken to her again.

Never lived in a doublewide. Got a great-aunt in Bakersfield got a
doublewide. But, she married outside the family.

--- Carson misc.---

I appreaciate what Gutshot has provided all week too. But, a dead
horse is a dead horse. How can you not kick it?

Huh? Are you nuts? These are poker players. They've played with
killers, hookers, drug dealers, bank robbers, wife beaters, lawyers,
off duty floormen, writers, all kinds of lowlifes. Why would anybody
give a shit?

Don't forget sunspots and tides. A good conspiracy theory cannot be

Uh. He won all the chips. He won a bunch of them while you weren't
watching. But, he won all the chips. In poker that's kind of how we
define best.

I don't think that a hat with a piece of tape across the front is very stylish.

Who the hell are you? These people are from Hollywood. They know
what style is. Brain dead bimbos. Men who wear hats indoors. Hype.
Phony proposition bets. Loud colors. Style.

>>>> Bottom line, if you can't see that George Bush is a decent and
>>>> honorable man with malice toward none

He bears no malice towards Bin Laden or Saddam. It's not like he
wants to kill them or anything.

Jack in the Box puts herion in their meat.

Cats aren't people, however.

That's kind of like saying the difference between a red apple and a
green apple is smaller than the difference between a green banana and
a square banana.

You're probably in violation of the Patriot Act if you call your
mother on Sunday afternoon.

If you play it backwords you can see John Lennon slipping in a cold

The Dixie Chicks had death threats. Hell, some of their death threats
were on radio call in shows. Of course most of those threats came
from ignorant rednecks who stayed home that day because their truck
wouldn't start.

I like commenting on bald headed guys lack of hair, then asking them
if viagra helps any.

I suscribe to the Card Player online newsletter and didn't get a
bonus. Do I actually have to read it or something?

The Biloxi cardroom gets quads, Gulfport gets gay waiters with
attitude. No wonder they have more games in Biloxi.

>>>> What does expertise in such things as variance, standard
>>>> deviation, means etc add to ones hourly or annual poker income?

Nothing, but it impresses the girls.

Well, actually rushes can be predicted. Here's my prediction. ----
You will have a rush. The longer you play, the more likely it is that
prediction will be accurate.

>>>> My grammatical mistakes
>>>> were not intentional but only made out of carelessness in not
>>>> proofreading what I had wrote.

Had wrote? Did you go to Ole Miss?

They don't have any hookers. Sailors are actually reenlisting to get
sent to an island with no hookers. What the hell does that tell you
about the readiness of our military? There is something wrong with
these guys.

>>>> Reminds me of my roommate and how he picks up girls.
>>>> Wow. I guess $10 goes a long way in today's economy.

Canadian money goes a lot further because of all those bright colors.

Maybe that's why he's a pro with a side job.

Being in Canada, sure. Canadians don't even know what language they
speak, much less where they are.

>>>>> Russ you can post lists of anything you want, but if it's not in the
>>>>> form of a bona fide document from a poker site, it's horseshit.

Huh? Bona fide document? What the hell is that? This is the
internet for christ sake, not the driver's license office.

If you maintain a close and personal relationship with god then luck
will be permanent.

If this was the two plus two forum readers would think "almost
irrefutabley" meant something.

If you had a blue car would you call it almost green?

Most lawyers not living in abandoned ranch houses in Idaho and Montana
consider the second amendment pretty much settled law.

Whenever I want an interpertation of what the constitution means
there's this guy in Montana I consult.

I was gonna get a volkswagon van and use it to pick up 19 yo hippie
chicks but somebody told me that all the 19 yo hippie chicks are 56.

all you have to do to get affordable medical care for life is get
exposed to agent orange

There are many things in common between the human brain and an acorn

>>>>> Given that he's put a poker room in every hotel he's built....

I guess so. He put one in Beau Rivage but everytime I go look for it
they seem to have misplaced it.

They have a new requirement. They require all new customers to
demonstrae knowledge of sentences and paragraphs.

Have you read the loose games section in HFAP? If so, that's your

>>>>> Reminds me of my roommate and how he picks up girls.

He gives them $10? I think that only works in Quebec.

Lucky speaking to a woman con-artist).
"I can't believe you'd just stand there and lie to me. You're like
Nixon, with tits."

Are people this stupid actually allowed to walk down the sidewalk
unescorted in California?

Uh. that would be the owners of Enron who got punished. You know,
the widows and orphans and retired plumbers.

Eudemonic Pie always sounded like a cookbook for vegatable based
desserts to me

> where I'm getting stuck. Everyone's just providing opinions, not
> coming out with numbers.


Yes. Nobody answered your original question because nobody rational
has one.

You're right. It's all as absurd as the idea that a sitting President
would risk his career by an invovlement in an office burglary. Never

Downtown Houston just isn't a viable panhandling location. You'll see
more panhandlers in the parking lot of the Randell's grocery store
near River Oaks then you will downtown. It's a better location.

He's Canadian. As someone else recently pointed out, those are the
guys with the American culture, British cuisine, and French know-how.
Of course he comes across as strange.

When you bury people in the desert and they get dug up and drug off by
mountain cats then some things just won't seem important.

The newest profile for suspected terrorists is "has a cell phone".

Thinking they aren't morons doesn't make them not morons.

Do you think being femaile is a disability under the ADA?

People who rely on Letterman to get news details often scratch their

without morons playing poker there would be no poker

The internet has great porn. Find some and jerk off. It'll be more
fun than playing in this game, and probably at least just as

When Keynes was out selling his ideas to FDR, economists considered
him a liberal nutcase, not serious at all. He was English but nobody
paid attention to him in London, so he went to Washington where FDR
was stuck in a wheelchair and couldn't get away, he had to listen.

The fact that I don't like the president of the US wearing a military
uniform in the course of his duties as president doesn't make me a
liberal ninny. It doesn't even make me a democrat.


Cameron Diaz:

And because Gary was so bitter in the posts above, I offer this photo as my own personal HairShirt.

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