Thursday, July 29, 2004

"You're an idiot for not playing 15.30 on Party Poker"
Fast Eddie, to me

That's likely true.

Ready for a story? This is probably not as interesting to you as to me, but let's throw it out there anyway. I'm still in a daze.

I've mentioned poker professionals, Fast Eddie and M, in this blog every once in awhile. I met them several years ago, running a sweet backroom game in a rural area of northern Cincinnati. I immediately took a liking to each of them. They were both humorous, skilled players and Fast Eddie was especially adept at working a goofball image, something I highly respected. In fact, watching him work in those many sessions helped cultivate my own brand of image, albeit it in a much different strain.

Upon finding out that neither played poker online, I made it my duty to cajole them into doing so. And to their credit, with not one iota of computer experience, they did. And quickly became very profitable.

But over the years, whenever I visited these guys who derive 100% of their income from poker, I always left their place feeling like I just left NeverNeverLand. It was such a surreal existence, yet me and my corporate existence with the 401k and the assorted perks were just as foreign to them. I was the one who was jealous, though.

Fast Eddie is 23 and a high school dropout (GED) from a very rural area. School got in the way of his 'real education'. Some people might call them crackers. Fast Eddie calls it white trash. He is a hustler with a twang. Gin, pool, poker - you name it. Eeking out a pretty cool existence for himself with only his wits and skills on the fringe of society. A truly self-made man.

Welp, except for computer knowledge, of course. He still needed help with that. So he had been harassing me to come over and help him out, which I did last evening right after work. Cleaned up some spyware, re-installed PokerTracker on his new box, and even got his new webcam up and running so he could, in his words, "Meet some web ho's."

Meanwhile, we're drinking beer, having fun bs'ing about poker and always folding, folding, folding. Fast Eddie had entered the first WCOOP (World Championship of Online Poker) on PokerStars. $300 buyin event and the game was Pot-Limit Omaha Hi-Lo - easily Eddie's (and mine) worst game. But Eddie built up a nice stack through selective aggression and position. And extremely tight play. And me. I'll admit I won him a nice pot when he had to take a long leak. ;)

Anyway, let me give the abridged version of this sordid tale. I truly wanted to write up this great Trip Report but I'm pinched for time. So here it is:

He fucking won. Fifty grand. 50k. 50,000 simoleans. $50,000.00

Oh the humanity.
My bill for fixing computers went up dramatically, that's fer sure.

If any of you follow these things on the message boards, you will have read many nasty things about the player Austin Kearns. And all I can say in his defense is that he was drinking heavily and also: UP YOURS, he won 50 grand.

The gist of the story is that he gambled with the chip leader and won. Once he had all those chips, it was over because he most certainly knows how to wield a big stack with authority. He had everyone outchipped nearly 4-1 at the final table. I can't defend his horrific chat techniques because I'm used to it and don't judge him. Except for his shitty music taste in rap - that I DO judge him on. I was sick when he was quoting Eminem at the final table - it truly made me ill. But the criticism leveled at him is withering and it's just what he wanted.

I hate to post all these following negative posts about Austin, but quite honestly, he doesn't give a fuck. He plays eight tables of 15.30 every night and if you want a piece of him, knock yourself out.

I'm doublesuited!
I used bonus code Iggy, and I won $50,000!

But for the sake of posterity, I must post all the negatives from the boards. So here we go:

Proof that PokerStars isn't rigged

In case you believe that Lee Jones has the power to "help" out players that he likes, tonights event #1 of the WCOOP (PLO8) has proven that idea wrong.

In case you didn't watch, a semi-literate caps-lock chatting grammar-challenged buffoon named "AustinKearns" played like a maniac, lucked into a huge stack, and bludgeoned the final table with it. He was the most unlikeable poker player I have ever seen. With all the crap he was spouting, surely anyone with the power to make him lose would have taken advantage of it.

Yikes. I tried _very_ hard to get Eddie to STFU to no avail.
LOL, I tried, I promise. He wanted to make a stir, and by God, he did.

Razzo posted this:

OBSERVER comments after AustinKearns' victory in 1st 2004 WCOOP

From: RazzO (anonymous@razzo.com) Sent: Jul 29 2004 1:52AM

AustinKearns chat during final table is re-pasted at bottom

Below are comments immediately after poker client defaults
to observer chat [ON] at the conclusion of Event #1 2004 WCOOP

---from 8 players down to 3---

Lee Jones [PokerRoom Manager]: Good game schum
MIK22: wait, can we make a deal?
Naslund: you want to save some mik?
Naslund: can we have time lee?
Lee Jones [PokerRoom Manager]: I can't stop the play unless all three
players want it.
MIK22: can we stop the clock, pls
AustinKearns: NOPE
AustinKearns: NO
AustinKearns: ITS OVER
MIK22: we 'll see
MIK22: save 3, naslund, ok?
Dealer: We are now Heads Up
Lee Jones [PokerRoom Manager]: Good match Naslund - well played.
MIK22: gg ,naslund
Langfuhr [observer]: lexington
Lee Jones [PokerRoom Manager]: Good game - both players.

--client defaulted for observer chat to be enabled--

PrinceHal [observer]: you got some luck man
action cincy [observer]: YES
BettnTibetn [observer]: whoa
etching [observer]: wipeout
RiverPuller [observer]: wow
Langfuhr [observer]: yea
sotem [observer]: lol
RiverPuller [observer]: AMAZING
fusionarena [observer]: nice
BettnTibetn [observer]: what a joker
zivTLV [observer]: gg Mik
sotem [observer]: lame
RiverPuller [observer]: HES AMAZING
gooberific [observer]: too bad no deal mik - loser
all aces [observer]: austin is SO lucky
jabarilikewo [observer]: wowowowow
joejean19 [observer]: wow
jabarilikewo [observer]: owowwowo
SweetWaterBK [observer]: i hate that guy
tomnshell [observer]: cards sweep the reds
Dat pato [observer]: vn done
tidus17 [observer]: what ar se
MIK22 [observer]: ty, Ziv
Syrun [observer]: lol wow his cards were amazing
jabarilikewo [observer]: yeah
BettnTibetn [observer]: raise every hand
eMarkM [observer]: what a classless ****
all aces [observer]: LUCKY
FLNC [observer]: gg mik
dafugginman [observer]: he's amazing?
Langfuhr [observer]: AUSTIN
Berman44 [observer]: wow
BettnTibetn [observer]: what was that
all aces [observer]: LUCKY
PaNdaY [observer]: LOL
sotem [observer]: I liked how he told the other players to SUCK HIS **&**
action cincy [observer]: GG
BettnTibetn [observer]: psycho
Didyouhaveit [observer]: gg
seanillman [observer]: wow
RiverPuller [observer]: YES HES AMAIZING
M'darling [observer]: the ahole won
whosierdaddy [observer]: kk
whosierdaddy [observer]: k
Kevmath [observer]: he's amazingly bad?
whosierdaddy [observer]: k
dafugginman [observer]: you're dumb if you think he's amazing
BettnTibetn [observer]: i wish i had that luck
ProfessorJ [observer]: AUSTIN is A JERK, shoulda let them deal for the
remaining money
sugar teddy [observer]: gg mike
iHATEpants [observer]: WAY TO GO NAZZY
El Macho [observer]: GG MIK
BettnTibetn [observer]: *******
SCTrojans [observer]: he dominated simple as that
PureMeppage [observer]: good game everyone
jabarilikewo [observer]: stomp down
BettnTibetn [observer]: dominated by luck
strassa2 [observer]: that guy stunk
strassa2 [observer]: that guy stunk
jdm1111 [observer]: Austin was horrible..
AABIGSLICKK [observer]: 4 ever
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
Abomb [observer]: whoisyourdaddy - you are a moron
HairyItalian [observer]: 2-6 of diamonds vs. Alex or else he wouldnt even
be there
fabsoul [observer]: GG MIK
Sassy1 [observer]: lucky as all get out
BettnTibetn [observer]: learn how to play the game
SydSyd [observer]: jealousy
action cincy [observer]: Y WOULD HE DEAL... HE ISNT THAT STUPID
BCinNY [observer]: LUCK LUCK LUCK
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
Ronin29 [observer]: total @sshole
MIK22 [observer]: Thanks for supporting me , all my friends
Didyouhaveit [observer]: he beat 500 players and its luck
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
SCTrojans [observer]: ya the 26 diamond was only retarded thing he did all
Abomb [observer]: you guys are idiots
M'darling [observer]: who says turkeys cant win??
SydSyd [observer]: jealousy
neilmck [observer]: the deal was so 2nd and 3rd could split the difference
i guess
ProfessorJ [observer]: no, he keeps he 1st place, and 2nd and 3rd are split
casinogeves [observer]: a monkey could have won with those cards
Didyouhaveit [observer]: get a life guys
Abomb [observer]: ****ing morons actually
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
CASHDIAMOND [observer]: v
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old foolhe's a lucky 8 year old
foolhe's a lucky 8 year old foolhe's a lucky 8 year old foolhe's a lucky 8
year old foolhe's a lucky 8 year old fool
LordPye [observer]: Lucky fool who won 47k
BIG_SLlCK [observer]: he's a lucky 8 year old fool
RangerC [observer]: this tournament was a perfect illustration of why PLO8
pokerface_05 [observer]: gg
Slarty [observer]: gg
Abomb [observer]: BIG SLICK = ****ING MORON
SydSyd [observer]: jealousy reings
Slarty [observer]: HE IS A WANKER THOUGH
Slarty [observer]: lol
BABY CHARLES [observer]: YEP
Slarty [observer]: a lucky one
neilmck [observer]: yup def a wanker
Hold em 888 [observer]: that took almost 10 hours
tunaeatr [observer]: don't look here, the joke is between your legs
russlcat [observer]: yes
SydSyd [observer]: lol
russlcat [observer]: good but a wanker
tidus17 [observer]: fdop'joipgfjs
SweetWaterBK [observer]: that guy was such a doosh bag
tidus17 [observer]: dsajipgfjigpsa
neilmck [observer]: but a rich awnker
neilmck [observer]: wanker
Kevmath [observer]: austin makes fischman a wimp
russlcat [observer]: wanker
Langfuhr [observer]: GJ AUSTIN
Kevmath [observer]: look like a wimp even
tunaeatr [observer]: VOTE BUSH
dee33444 [observer]: lucky or something else no way that player wins in a
real game
russlcat [observer]: yeah
SydSyd [observer]: VOTE KERRY
Slarty [observer]: BUSH IS A C U N T
Sassy1 [observer]: hell with bush
neilmck [observer]: indeed
Slarty [observer]: AND NEEDS TO DIE
neilmck [observer]: vote KERRY
russlcat [observer]: bush- and austin
Sassy1 [observer]: yes
russlcat [observer]: 2 morons
The $ting [observer]: hi sass
neilmck [observer]: do the decent thing!
shakapawn [observer]: were even dee
shakapawn [observer]: lol
Sassy1 [observer]: kerry for pres
RangerC [observer]: that's why they don't have PLO8 at the WSOP
dafugginman [observer]: kerry is a fuggin communist
action cincy [observer]: VOTE AUSTIN KEARNS
RangerC [observer]: joke of a game
Slarty [observer]: lol
dee33444 [observer]: even
shakapawn [observer]: lol
neilmck [observer]: haha
shakapawn [observer]: the $2 bet
dee33444 [observer]: but send me 1 anyway
shakapawn [observer]: lol
Kevmath [observer]: austin's ruining cincinnati's good name
Slarty [observer]: transfer me some money Austin you *****
russlcat [observer]: ohio blows
action cincy [observer]: DOUBT THAT
shakapawn [observer]: my horse took a stab at him though
RangerC [observer]: PLO good, Limit 08 good, PLO8 = garbage
action cincy [observer]: YEAH IT BLOWS WHILE WE SPEND UR MONEY
Kevmath [observer]: reds suck, bengals suck, bearcats suck
SydSyd [observer]: lol
russlcat [observer]: and ohio state
Sdouble [observer]: sdouble
SydSyd [observer]: BUCKEYES
Sdouble [observer]: represented
Sdouble [observer]: all he could
Sdouble [observer]: sorry he let down
Sdouble [observer]: all of his fans
Sdouble [observer]: gnite
russlcat [observer]: SUCK
Kevmath [observer]: drop an s there
shakapawn [observer]: yes...sdouble...and boy can you talk
russlcat [observer]: cheaters
dafugginman [observer]: sdouble has middle school tomorrow
shakapawn [observer]: i was impressed by the singing alone
action cincy [observer]: SDOUBLE WAS JUST A BIG WHINER
RazzO [observer]: heh
1742787 78
This table has been closed

-reposted AustinKearns chat-

AustinKearns: ARE U SAM FARHA?
Dealer: Limits going up: blinds 6000/12000
AustinKearns: SO SUC MY DIC
HostTerrence [Supervisor]: Austin, we're glad to have you here, but please
keep it clean
AustinKearns: HEY BUDDY
AustinKearns: OR SHOULD I USE CLOROX BLeach?
Lee Jones [PokerRoom Manager]: Austin - listen very carefully. We're
going to give you one free pass since this is the final table. One more
inappropriate comment and your chat is gone.
AustinKearns: I AM COOL
AustinKearns: WHAT HAVE I SAID
AustinKearns: BULL

Dear Lord, I'm cringing upon re-reading that. Poker punks are evil, damnit.

Razzo followed up with:

Sorry...he typed so much I couldn't keep up with it.

There was a day when I would have asked him to let me have a hit of what he was smoking.

This how much he controled the chat with unintelligible garble....OnlineChamp couldn't get a word in edge wise. Capish?

With all the mention he gets here, it was actually the first time I watched him play.
Thank God.

I don't know about a "classless piece of crap", but if I ever play against
him the chat is muted.

On the deciding hand between the two chip leaders, Razzo accused Austin of a check raise allin when it wasn't. The hand in question is posted here:


And here was some analysis that I agree with per that hand:

That play was beyond horrible... and it won him the tournament. Sad.

Ok, maybe I'm not the best O8 player in the world, but I mean it's a gamble for Austin, but I think it's a worse play by Alex. With the hands as they are Austin will win Hi like 40% of the time and makes low 18% and of that 18% he never will lose. Why would Alex commit all those chips with just 2 pair into a 2 diamond board with no possible low or flush? He's putting all his chips on the line against someone who's worst possible hand is a flush draw. In terms of EV it's like 56/44.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me why either of them would risk that many chips with the hands they have, but I think Alex's play is mind boggling. Of course, if this was a Hold 'em tournament and the 1st and 2nd place got all their chips in with AK vs QQ we wouldn't think twice about it. I agree with the observer though, PLO8 is a pretty stupid game.


I'm in complete agreement. Two pair with no redraws is a total trap hand
in Omaha H/L, and it's just insane to commit all your chips (as 2nd chip
leader, no less!) with that hand. Alex's reraise all-in was VERY foolish
against a gambling idiot like Kearns who won't lay down a hand. There
are very few possible hands he could have dominated, and there are a ton
of hands that have him slaughtered (KT33, KQJx, JJxx, QQxx, etc, etc).
Kearns could easily have been holding a hand like JJ42 with diamonds (the
type of hand even he probably would just check in the BB) that has Alex
drawing to two outs. Even if Kearns just has total garbage like T942 with
diamonds, Alex is not a favorite.

Raising on the flop was OK, but once he
was reraised, he should have thrown the hand away immediately. He still
would have 240K chips, and would still be in 2nd chip position - it would
be hard for him not to make top 7 with all the short stacks, and he'd
still be the likely favorite to win. Instead, he tried to hit a home run
with a hand that is good for singles only. It turned out he had the best
hand and should have won the pot, but that doesn't make gambling all his
chips with a mediocre hand the right decision.

Lee Jones had to warn him about taking his chat away after he typed some
nasty stuff. Then he said to Pstars after being warned - "...but I am the
best... Oh I'm sorry Pokerstars I'll give you plenty of props on T.V.

What a jerk

Hell, I might as well post all the threads for those of you who rely on me for this:

WCOOP leader is the cockyest guy i have ever seen

From: mikwit

wow i was watching the wcoop O/8 PL and there is this guy whos name i will
not say but he has over 700K and the guy in 2nd has like 180K this guy is
one of the worst players i have ever seen any one else watch this guy he
pushes a guy all in with only ace high and rubs it in his face when he
wins and then since observer chat is off he keeps on chanting where are
you at now

i have seen some annoying poker but this has to take the cake

And from 2+2 we have even more commentary:

1st event yesterday...

...was won by a player who's handle was AustinKearns. He was quite rude and arrogant with his chat at the final table. Lee jones even had to warn him to cease his profanity or his chat would be revolked immediately.

Just wondered if anyone else sweated the final table yesterday and knows who this yo-yo of a character is?

----- response:

He plays OF for the Cincinnati Reds, but he's been out with an injury for much of this year.

Funny, he seems so softspoken in interviews...get him behind a computer playing poker and he becomes obnoxious.

Damn. I left late in the evening, when they finally wittled down to 40 or 50 players (in the money) and he started cranking up rap music. If you ever want me out of your house, that's a sure-fire way to do it. But he honestly hadn't said boo the entire time I was there.

I hate to show him in such a negative light with all of the above but damn, I was there to witness it all. Eddie promised that if he won he would freeroll M and I at the boat immediately following his victory. LOL, and me with zero available sick days or vacation days for the next month. ARRRRRRRRRRRG.

The voicemail he left me in the wee hours of the morning is priceless. I'm still trying to pull it off, digitize and post here for your amusement.

There are so many things I could/should say here. Like how Fast Eddie realizes how lucky he is, like many of us, to be in the right place at the right time, during this Poker Gold Rush. And how it could go away in a second. But most importantly, how amazing it is with all the terrible players right now.

He never calls what he does 'playing poker'. He calls it Work.
And for him, it is.

The thing I admire most about this kid, a mere 23 years old, is his unflappableness. Is that a word?

To keep in the zen of poker when he plays on Party Poker, he enters a random number for his buyin on each table so he never knows if he's up or down - he can just play each hand for what it's worth. "It's about seeing as many hands as possible," he says, "You gotta do this while poker is hot."

So despite the fact he clearly comes across as a 'semi-literate caps-lock chatting grammar-challenged buffoon' - he knows how to play.

Whoops, I found another snippet:

Watching this a bit. Sdouble, the notorious trash talker, was mixing it up with the chip leader before being eliminated. The chip leader is an idiot.

Swearing at the final table in Cap Lock mode. Lee Jones threatening to take his chat away. Makes Sdouble look like a gentleman. Unfortunately, he has more chips than the rest of the table combined.

Sigh. It's easy to talk shit when you have 800,000 in chips. Doesn't make it right, though.

Damnit, at one point I had IM'd myself his tourney stats when we were deep into it and I was playing for him while he took a leak. Arggg, and now I can't find them. Hopefully he will send me the recap so I can post it here. But the stats at this point showed how tight he played. After about 200 hands he had seen the flop right around 12%. But when he played a pot, he pushed it HARD. Tight, aggressive play. Always with position.

And I suppose this is Way Too Much Information at this point. Let's just say it was a thrill to see a poker buddy win 50 large. He's really taking advantage of this Poker Thing right now when all I have to show for it is this stupid blog.

I asked him if he cared if I posted the negative shit cause I didn't want to offend him (although he never reads this) and he responded:

"tell them how bad they play to let a drunken bastard beat them"

Nuff said.

Last thread
Official WCOOP #1 thread from 2+2

Sigh. There's alot of other shit to say but I prolly shouldn't. Like about Eddie's new poker tattoo. So I won't.

Allrighty then. Please allow me to throw a couple random tidbits at you to make up for my narcissistic content above.

John Vorhaus is serialing his new novel Three of a Kind at Ultimatebet.com. Chapter one is up and running. You can read as it's posted here at:
Ultimate Bet Poker

In a twist of irony, the only poker book in Fast Eddie's collection that I don't own is the Vorhaus book on online poker, which he allowed me pilfer. Thoughts forthcoming.

There's a photo of Greg Raymer & David Anthony Williams & the WSOP cash in this MSNBC article entitled:
Wheeling and dealing on your next vacation
Poker tours and tournaments are sweeping the travel industry. Maybe it's time for you to ante up, too

Did anyone else see the front page of ESPN.com this morning? Nice poker reference on the front page dealing with baseball trades...

From yesterday's New York Post, more Poker is Hot coverage with a nice photo of Johnny Chan in a shirt I can only describe as 'festive' :

Here's an entertaining op-ed piece from Minnesota, the Land of Chris Halverson.
Poker: new sport of the annoying masses
I absolutely have to tell you about how I won our poker game.

Several months ago, I wrote : “Anybody who says poker is a sport is an idiot.” At the time, I might have been on top, or perhaps even ahead, of the curve with my condemnation. After all, with the exception of weekday afternoons on ESPN2, you could toss the figurative brick through both the television schedule and pop culture as a whole without hitting poker. I figured the phenomenon would peter out, like swing-dancing and Kurt Warner’s deal with the devil.

How naive I was....

I guess that's enough for now. I was hoping to crank out a full-blown uber post but this quick wam-bam post will have to suffice for tonight. I hope you aren't offended by my tangent and will continue to visit this humble poker blog. I'm posting my ass off for you - I can only hope that someone out there appreciates it.

./cue drumroll

So please consider signing up on Party Poker with bonus code IGGY in support of this lil poker blog. I'm actually close to tripling my signups from last month, when I got ZERO players. So take a chance on Party Poker.

An update: Monty is doing very poorly. Doesn't look good. Long seven weeks... :(

Also, per the poker blogger and The People Who Read Them tournament coming up, I must concur with Pauly in the comments who suggested:

Please pick Pacific or Planet... :) so I don't have to download another program and fund yet another account!!

Good idea. I'm going with Pacific then. Looking forward to the next blogger tourney. I hope all my poker blog favorites are there. :)

Thanks again for reading and I'll leave you with some insight on starting hand requirements from Lou Krieger.

Fast Eddie rules.

When it comes down to starting hands, there's a lot more that ought to be factored into the analysis:

1. How's your bankroll? Do you have enough money to play optimally, or are you on a short bankroll and feel the need to sacrafice some EV in order to offset a whole lot of variance. You can earn just as much money that way, but it will take a few more hours at the table to get there.

2. How well do you play compared to the skill of your opponents? If you can outplay them after the flop, or if your opponents are very predictable players, you can see a few more flops -- don't carry this to extremes, however -- than you can against tougher opposition.

3. How good are your opponents at reading you? If they are clueless, there's no point in disguising your hands of varying your play. If they are aware of what you seem to be doing, then you can make a play every now and then.

There's just so much about deciding what hands to play and under what circumstances to play them that if you spend some time thinking about it you can probably come up with a long list of factors that should be brought to bear on the "play/no play" decision.

After all, if all there was to playing your first two cards was rote memorization, anyone could be expert at this phase of the game.

Having said that, I recognize that my books have suggested starting hands for early, mid, and late position. But those suggestions are are GUIDE, and as soon as the beginning player learns what hands are good starters, and garners sufficient experience playing hold'em, he's free to move off that list and begin to interpolate his play based on a wide variety of factors.

New players, obviously, need guideposts. But as soon as they get their chops down, they can improvise a bit. But if they are grounded in some sort of hand selection theory, the very guidelines they are deviating from will serve as a basis for understanding what they are doing and why they are doing it.

The analogy to music is easy and obvious. Until a musician has his chops down, can handle his instrument, and knows melody, theory, and harmony he probably shouldn't do a whole lot of improvising. But once he's got his chops down cold, then he's free to become another Miles, Mingus, Monk, or Rollins -- or try to.

Keep flopping aces,

Lou Krieger

Link of the Day:
Hunger for Victory
The International Federation of Competitive Eating sanctions the sport of gluttony. "I'll stretch my stomach until it causes internal bleeding," says athlete Donald "Moses" Lerman.

All Content Copyright Iggy 2003-2007
Information on this site is intended for news and entertainment purposes only.

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