Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I'm off to Physical Therapy and hoping I get permission to remove this damn immobilizer off my arm and can return to some semblance of a normal life.

But I have a treat for you today, gentle reader. Many of you enjoyed the historic 4 part Trip Report by Losers, Inc last year. Some damn funny stuff.

But I discovered a ten part serialized classic.

Here's Part One for your reading pleasure. Note The Hammer makes an early entrance in this sordid tale:

Part 01 - "Where the sand turns to gold."

If this were a major motion picture, it would open something like this:

[Establishing shot of Spaulding, drunk as a sailor, seated at a 5/10 Hold
'Em game at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.]

Board: As Kc 5d - 3h - 4h

Local troglodyte shows KdKh.

Spaulding studies the board through glasses thick enough to enable a
normal-sighted person to view Neil Armstrong's footprints.

Spaulding: How many more cards do I get?

Dealer: That's all sir, please turn over your cards.

Spaulding: (Flips over 7d 2s.) Eight, hit me.

Dealer: Straight is good. (Pushes Spaulding the pot).

Spaulding: This is pai-gow, right?

(He spots a cocktail waitress)

Spaulding: Sweetheart?

Waitress: Yes sir?

Spaulding: Can I get a lap dance?

Waitress: (Sigh) We've been through this before sir, I'm a waitress, WAY - TRESS. Can I bring you something to drink? (Mumbling) Like I don't
already know the answer to that question.

Spaulding: OK, do you have any chamomile tea?

Waitress: Certainly sir.

Spaulding: I hate that shit. Tea is for pussies! Bring me a double gin
and tonic; don't go overboard with the tonic. And a beer.

[Waitress already anticipated Spaulding's seventh identical order and has
it on her tray. She serves him. He folds a dollar in half and sticks it
in her cleavage.]

[Spaulding, now narrating in voice-over]: "Listen. Here's the thing: if
you can't spot the drunk in your first 12 cocktails, then you ARE the
drunk. Hey, good for you."

p o u n d e r s

[Cue opening music: Spaulding rises and, gin and tonic in hand, dances
about the card room singing the following, to the tune of Rogers and
Hammerstein's "Favorite Things."]

"Raising on pipe dreams
then catching my one out
Lots of trash talking
and being a drunk lout
My seven-deuce offsuit
that shatters your kings
These are a few of my favorite things..."

"Getting so drunk that
I don't know what I've got
Cold calling anyway
then dragging a huge pot
Double Wild Turkeys
that the cute waitress brings
These are a few of my favorite things..."

"Beating your aces
like a rented little brother
Waitress! A bourbon!
then how 'bout another
Sucking out on you
then shouting Cha-ching!
These are a few of my favorite things..."

"When my hand bites,
When the flop stinks,
When the turn card makes me mad,
I simply rely on what the river brings,
To give you a beat that's so bad!"

But this isn't a major motion picture. So forget all about that and pay
attention to the following amalgamated trip report, such as it is.


"Brevity is the soul of wit," the immortal Bard advises us. "Vigorous
writing is concise," admonish Strunk and White. "Fuck that," I say,
editing is a pain in the ass. We prefer the view of a more modern man of
letters, who astutely observed that "repetitiveness is the cornerstone of
drunkenness." So this will be l o n g. In particular, it is filled with
lengthy, non-poker stories that form the lore of our loser culture. If
you're looking for poker content, you should killfile us now.

If you find reading strenuous, this would be a good time to step away from
the computer. Go pursue a less challenging activity, like trying to
balance your beer on your stomach without losing track of the plot on a
Facts of Life rerun.

While we're giving out warnings, I'd say you're a 27.5:1 favorite to be
grievously offended by something in here, if you haven't been already. In
fact if nothing in this report offends you, you must be some kind of
complete degenerate. Like us.

"All the World's a Stage"

In "Super/System", Mike Caro observes that people present themselves not
as they are, but as they wish to be perceived. This is true away from the
poker table as well. In life, most people present themselves as mature
and responsible adults.

Not us.

The four core members of this garbage-poker playing society -- Spaulding,
Manbeast, Snow White and myself (Variable, you may call me) -- have been
friends since early childhood. We all know each other far too well to put
on any act. So even though individually we all behave like reasonably
respectable, responsible and mature people, when you put us together a
kind of reverse synergy occurs, and our behavior plummets to a level that
Larry, Moe and Curly would describe as "totally immature."

If you can deal with childlike behavior, half-in-the-bag buffoonery, lots
of naughty words, and unbridled id, read on. If not, save yourself the

Disclaimer time is over. You have been warned. Continue at your own

--- To be continued ---

Coming in part 02 - Loser weight loss secrets

All Content Copyright Iggy 2003-2007
Information on this site is intended for news and entertainment purposes only.

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