Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm gonna announce a WPBT tourney here in a few. We're overdue for one, don't you think?

Because it was so well-received last time, I'm posting another Gary Carson Day here at Guinness & Poker. Not as funny as the first one, so I'm compensating with assorted drivel beneath to destroy some workplace productivity.

Now go play some poker at Party Poker or Noble Poker, damnit.

Enjoy cranky Gary:

>HOW do I address a Chinese person!

"Ask them whether they're from South Vietnam or Northern Vietnam, that'll
really get 'em going."

>...cinch to pee between your hands. (Er, poker hands, that is.)

"Online all you need to do is keep some empty 2 liter soda bottles nearby."

"What if washing your hands makes you late and you miss the big blind? It
can happen, like they're out of paper towels or something."

"That losing feeling is your subconcoius telling you to cash in, get laid,
and get a good nights sleep."

"I though everybody knew that Daniel N was from Canada and only living in Amercia
until somebody asks him for his green card."

"Of course, Daniel can take a poll of his drinking buddies and probably get
an answer that agrees with the answer he wants."

"Yep. Maybe Phil could learn to add spitting in peoples face to his
trantrum act."

"Phil H. fought in two wars? Grandada and Somolia?"

"Most economics departments try to maintain some kind of intellectual
diversity by keeping a marxist economist on the faculty. We comprimised.
We had a token catholic."

"It's important to maintain backup communication lines with the mother

"What's really cool is when you can say, "Tend to open in middle position
with the top twenty-five hands except for hands 9, 12, 13, 17, and 24."
When you can say that then you know you've arrived as an expert."

"Binion's is the only one that gives the map to the buried silver in the
desert on your one year anniversary."

"One of the benefits of dating a school teacher is that whenever some drunk
sends me an email rant I can get her to check if for spelling errors."

"I learned how to spell in Canada."

"Although I did used to live in San Francisco, I've never really been
interested in that sort of thing."

>Should someone with a broken leg just walk on the other one until it's healed?

"Of course not. Walk on the broken one until it gets tough."

"And, Daniel is the poster boy for the assertion that you can be stupid and
still be a good poker player."

"The dog breeding industry will someday be squeaky clean."

>Ironic that he edits the curse words out but goes on to threaten violence.

"It's that methodist upbringing."

"El Paso is not in the same time zone as the rest of Texas."

"When I was in the 6th grade, my teacher, who drove a black 1957 Chevy convertible, sat on her desk and crossed her legs. It was a life changing event."

"Unless Paul Phillips can go back to the Horseshoe and get himself beat up, giving
them some usable film, it's doubful TV crews will be interested."

"A really powerful message would be to tell Becky, "I think you're taking
money that belongs to someone else and using it for your own benefit. But,
I don't care, I'm going to play in your poker games anyway."

"I'd give my wife a rose too if she bought me a house in Palo Alto. But, I'd
probably still be an asshole."

"You're right Razzo. Your heroes function much better in the dark"

"If I can't demonize people I don't like, then what's the point of not
likeing them?"

"I'm not cardplayer you know, I don't have a professional web development
team to crash my site regularly."

>I'm no PR expert

"Compared to Becky you are."

"What kind of irrational thinking lead you to the conclusion that existance
required good decision making? You've read to much Ayn Rand or something."

"Congrats to Travis for standing up for Becky's right to skim from dealer
tokes. It's a tribute to dealers everywhere."

"We finially got call forwarding here in Texas. Next week I hear we'll get
running water."

"Rather than cluttering this newsgroup with off-charter comments about what
you do with your killfile, why don't you just do whatever you're gong to do
and don't tell us?"

"Be careful Steve, he might challange you to a headsup chess match."

"Let's get Razzo to videotape it -- y'all put your dicks out on the table,
I'll drop the axe, whoever bleeds has the big dick and wins."

>Because of Mason's nuts? Gary, why I didn't think you were into those things.

"Sometimes a guy just gets lonely Vince"

"Okay. I'll go post something right now. If it doesn't show up on your
server right away then it's because Mason deleted it."

> ....disingenuous....

"I know I can't spell that word. I wanted to use it. But, not badly enough
to look it up or open another window so I can use a spell-checker. So, I
didn't use that word.

Barbara used that word. She spells better than I do, she does combinotorial
math better than I do, and her legs are almost as sexy as mine."

"It's Maverick, Razzo. He's been married and working the last couple of
years and been out of the loop. Now that his marriage has fallen apart and
he's lost his job he's back to hanging out in cardrooms"

"That's why I'm a champion. I always play hands that will flop a full

"Well, since you said it twice then I guess you must be right."

"...since I take as many cheap shots at Malmuth as my busy schedule allows."

>I'm just glad to see David Sklansky has a sense of humor!

"His jokes are ghost written by Malmuth."

>have had the same calculus teacher at Teaneck H.S., who said there's a fine line between genius and insanity.

"And, of course high school calculus tearchers are often experts in psychiatry."

"He denies the false accusations? Does he deny the other accusations also?"

"There really isn't all that much information content in the second hand
facts that Nolan provided us. He did use a lot of words though."

>Gary, gca should consult with you on your next book. They are the real experts

"It's a book on how to teach grammer to little boys whose daddys didn't send
them to school."

"I don't think Occam intended the razor to have application in paranoid

"I'm gonna tell you an amazing story. I was born in Austin, and there are
people here who were actually in the hospital the day I was born and they
still live in Austin and they don't know me."

>I wouldn't waste his time, I'm also as boring as a potato.

"But more like a couple of those little red boiling potatoes than those big
baking ones, right?"

"I didn't start looking for alternative sites until I realized Planet was
investing in celibrity endorsements rather than software maintanence."

"Good luck Todd. Maybe soon you'll be first at something."

"That would be good. I'll be the obtuse idiot and you can be the acute

"I thought only little girls puncuated with multiple exclamation marks? Does
the Brunson boy have a little sister who makes his usenet posts for him?"

"Bullshit. I do dumber things than that at least 5 times a day."

"So, if you just came over to the US to work on the railroad, and intended
to return to China after the work was finished, would Chinaman be
appropriate? I mean, Chinese-American doesn't seem right if you're only
here to build the railroads."

"You can play the role of Jimmy's hooker."

"I've found it to be a lot of fun to refer to Koreans as Chinaman. It
really puts them on tilt."

>Then you can decide what to call the Irish?

"The irish is easy. It's "Would you like a doughnut, officer?""

"Well, Doyle might be a unique individual. But, that's kinda not a unique
characteristic. It's a characteristic shared by most people. Makes him kind
of ordinary, doesn't it?"

>Can someone please explain the meaning of "R00ler"?

"Ruler. top dog, the best as in, Todd Brunson is the R00ler of the trailer park."

>I generally use the term "Asian" today out of respect for the preferences of certain people. It just puzzles me a bit why this term would be chosen

"It's because it' so convenient. With that one word we can denigrate 2/3rds
of the worlds population -- phillipinos, pakistanis, japanese, koreans,
thais, english expatriats in HK, Indians, we can insult them all with just
one word."

"I liked the search for case law on geocities. Great site for legal

"Hell, until they learned to read well enough to pass a civil service exam,
Irishman was a racial slur."

"The only war that any french have won in the last couple of hundred years
are the canadian culture wars. Because of that, we give english speaking
canadians a pass on all grammar war skirmishes. It's just not fair to
expect anything from a bunch of canadians who can't even tell a small group
of unemployed frenchmen to shut up."

"But, even so, we still consider Johnny Chan a Texan. Maybe Doyle doesn't,
but the rest of us do."

>Those folks are called "employed".

"Look, buddy. This is a poker newsgroup. Some ethnic slurs just don't
belong here."

"I was born a poor black boy, and had rythm then. But, I grew up and
became a white man, and lost all my rythm. Of course, in the west Texas
Methodist world of Doyle's youth, rythm was the work of the devil. That
and gambliing."

"it's not enough to have a girlfriend with a job and a credit card, I need
to dump her and find one with a job, credit card, and pentium IV."

"Yes, Mike, Mark should do that. And, he should issue a public statement
about his financial relationship with Firestone also. And, what did he have
to do with Three Mile Island? And, why was he in Dallas that day?"


Jessica Alba pic for BG and crew.

Here's some strange links for ya'll.

Stoned journalist

The Sports Guy's mailbag, talking about poker.
By Bill Simmons

Daddy over at Snailtrax requested a curbjob video. This is pretty brutal - you've been warned.

Brittany Spears. Pregnant in a bikini. Nuff said.

From the Nature channel. Octopus versus Shark.

Tiger vs. Crocodile here. Who you got?

My old boss, of all people, sent me this picture.

Transcript of Peter Gammons' Hall of Fame induction speech... if you missed it this weekend, it's absolutely required reading for anyone that calls him/herself a baseball fan.

And finally, the best mugshot ever.

Link of the Day
Doyle's Date with Darwin
Dear Crane Accidents Forum: I never thought it would happen to me. I had about 35 years of operating experience. I just got too confident.

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